Wanted: One Immigrant

Everybody breathe in! Stand closer together! Move to the back! Make room, for goodness sakes! We’ve been flooded with immigrants, remember? It’s not like we have any room to stretch out and relax!

Britain is full, so much so that it’s in danger of sinking into the sea. At least, that’s what we’re told by the likes of the British National(ist) Party – in fact, BNP candidate Marlene Guest actually explains that very concept to me in my documentary Escape from Doncatraz, before later, off-camera, demanding a positive portrayal…“or I’ll set my thugs on you,” she added. Hmm. Good thing I’m leaving town, I guess.

So, as we’re all squeezed onto this tiny island, shoulder-to-shoulder, seeking some breathing space, I have an announcement to make, and though I don’t usually see significance in my personal life, on a political scale, this one is immensely important!

Here it is: I’m leaving Britain.

That’s right. I’m going to Canada to marry my fiancee and co-producer, Terre Chartrand. This means that in the cramped land of the British Isles, there’ll soon be one space vacated; the one I once occupied. The ramifications of this are crucial because, as Britain is apparently “full,” as I leave, one person can come on-board the ship that’s in danger of sinking if too many immigrants jump on! On behalf of the BNP, I’d like to offer my space – and when media mogul Rupert Murdoch is finally told to piss off for being a foreigner costing us taxpayers billions of pounds in tax avoidance, he might even give away MySpace, too!

Who will be the lucky immigrant? Will it be an asylum seeker from Afghanistan or Iraq, places we bombed? Might it be someone seeking refugee status from Zimbabwe? Perhaps even an American, seeking a country where they actually elect their leaders? Will it be a Pole, looking for work? Or will it be another Eastern European, wanting to do the jobs we don’t want to? If you fit into a category similar to any of these, then get your coat – you could soon be occupying the parking space once occupied by Jay Baker’s bony behind!

How to get here, though? Well, unlike some tenants, I like to face my responsibilities of making the transition easy for those about to move into what was once my home. As a kid, I was once taken on a school trip to Robin Hood’s Bay – there’s not much there really, let alone in the waters itself, so that’s an ideal option to steer your pirate ship into. The opposite coast has some possibilities too, but please don’t try sailing into Morecambe Bay, as those waters are far too dangerous – only British troops can get away with going into dodgy waters; just ask Iran! The pirates of yesteryear used to frequent the coastline of Cornwall, and it doesn’t seem too difficult to drift onto these days. Last but not least, the Scottish coasts are full of nooks and crannies and crevices of the country that are just ideal to get into. And once here on dry land, you may wish to join the Magical Mystery Tour of immigration procedure sites in Sheffield, as featured in Escape from Doncatraz – in fact, as that’s the very place I used to live, I presume that’s the only space available for you, so head to Sheffield anyway. Just remember to shout “Excuse me, mate!” as you push your way through to the city itself, as though getting another pint of British beer – this island’s a crowded place, remember?

So there you go: I’m leaving, and leaving behind one (and only one!) space of room for another human being to occupy; the very place I used to stand on this cramped yet cozy little island. I do feel bad for the rest of the applicants unable to reach my spot in time, though, especially if they’re fleeing their homelands due to terror, torture, famine, and, y’know, our Western governments dropping bombs on them all the time. But it isn’t the time lose hope just yet…as around a quarter of a million (mostly white) people will leave the British Isles in the next year alone, never to return! So pack your bags, take my directions I gave you, hop on and hold tight – Britain may have room for you, too, after all!